Undeserving. 

“All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. But God treats us much better than we deserve, and because of Christ Jesus, He freely accepts us and sets us free from our sins.” Romans 3:23-24 CEV

I am undeserving of it all. 

Just over four years ago I remember exactly where I was when I took my hands off of the steering wheel of my life. 

“Lord, here I am. I don’t know anyone or anything here. Show me what life with you is all about.”

Nearly four years before that time I had accepted Jesus into my heart, but I walked straight into a season as a new believer where I lacked a spiritual community and just didn’t know how to pursue Christ as Lord of my life. As I told Him many times in that season, I didn’t have the time to figure it out… but one day, I would give Him my time and that I did want to give life with Him “a chance”. 

Thankfully, four years later I relocated to a new place on the map and God held me to that promise as I prayed the prayer that you see above. 

After I spoke those words, it was as if the walls came crashing down and in the months ahead, God completely transformed my life. He transformed my every thought, the motive of every action, and my biggest plans for the path ahead. Everything changed.  

It turns out that when you ask God to show you what life with Him is all about, He will. That year, God ran and I chased. He provided a spiritually mature community for me to walk with and to observe. He laid a Biblical foundation in my heart through the church I was attending. He crossed my path with the paths of some people that would greatly influence my walk with Him in the years ahead. He lit that spark in my soul and instilled my ever-growing desire for Him. 

In that time God also revealed two great passions in my heart; my love for nursing and my desire to share the love of Christ through serving, especially alongside people in cultures other than my own. 

In the years between then and now, I have frequently asked God if the two would ever run together. Yes, nursing in the States was serving and an opportunity to share the love of Christ, but my heart was to go… and so much so that I nearly went without nursing. Thankfully, the Lord was clear that it was not yet my time to go.

Two years ago, I was given a glimpse of hope that the two paths were coming together and would soon collide. My application to serve onboard the Mercy Ship in Africa had been accepted and I was placed into a ‘talent pool’, meaning that I could be contacted at any time to fill the need for a ward nurse on the ship. That was January of 2020. With the strike of the pandemic, as many things, the mission was delayed along with my hope in the collision of these passions. Once again, it was not yet time to go and the two remained separate.  

Fast forward to this past summer; the summer of 2021. I was offered a position as a nurse on the disaster response roster for Samaritan’s Purse and had the opportunity to deploy to Jackson, Mississippi for a COVID-19 response. Another glimpse; a three-week glimpse of what it was to look like when these desires that God had given me would come together. Yes, I was still in the United States, but I was serving as a nurse in a setting where the love of Christ was motive of our care and the focus of our every moment. Through that deployment, it was as if God was reinforcing these passions that He had placed in my heart, yet His answer remained the same. “Not yet. This is just a glimpse of what is to come.” 

I walked away from that deployment feeling so impatient, yet so trusted by God in that He had given me great clarity in what was to come. I wanted the time to be now, but I also wanted to be a good steward with the clarity that He had given me and that meant waiting upon His timing; His perfect timing. 

Today, I look back on these passions remaining separate and the delay in them coming together and I smile, because my eyes are slowly being opened to the beauty and intentionality of God’s timing for it all. Had the two paths come together according to my plans, they likely would’ve fallen apart again. Had they come together according to my timing, I would’ve gone, but I likely wouldn’t have gone with God. Had they come together as I had hoped, I would’ve missed out on this abundant, unspeakable joy that the Lord continues to lavish upon me within His plan and His timing.   

Last week I sat at the stern of the ship overlooking the water beneath me, the port lights reflecting off of the water as the sky grew dark and the stars began to shine. The light ocean breeze swept across my face and my lungs filled with this Senegalese air. 

I am finally here. The time has come. 

In that moment, my first night onboard the Africa Mercy, it would have been so easy to commend “my patience” and “my pursuit” of this journey. It would have been easy to think about all the things that “I have done” to get here. It would have been easy to congratulate myself for finally “making it”. 

But instead, I felt so small. I felt so undeserving. 

The lyrics of Brandon Lake’s song Gratitude ran through my mind over and over again. 

"So I throw up my hands
And I praise you again and again
Cause all that I have is a hallelujah, hallelujah. 
And I know it's not much
But I've nothing else fit for a King
Except for a heart singing hallelujah, hallelujah."

I have nothing to offer God. I don’t deserve to be here in Africa. I don’t deserve the coming together of these two passions. I don’t deserve His joy, His love, or His peace. I don’t deserve being adopted as His child. I don’t deserve to wear His name. I don’t deserve to shine His light. I don’t deserve anything, yet He gives me everything and abundantly so. 

Today, I am thankful. I echo the lyrics above in that I have nothing fit for a King, but I will continue to sing with thanks and praise to the God who gives it all. 

I write this today to share my story and this piece of my journey to get here, but even more so my hope is that you will find encouragement through these words. In the ten days that I have been on the ship so far, I have seen great fruit in God’s timing of this journey in so many aspects. Not only in where it fell on my path or the ways that God has equipped me for today or moved in my life in the waiting, but even the timing in the paths of others and how they got here, that our paths have now been crossed onboard the ship. It’s truly amazing.

I know that there are many details that I cannot see today and many that I will walk by without noticing in the months and years to come, but God has once again reinforced that His ways are higher and that His plans are better than I can even begin to imagine. 

That is what I hope that you hear today. 

If you are in the waiting know that He is working, not only in you, but around you as well. Perhaps God is revealing a new passion in you today, has given you clarity in an already revealed passion or maybe multiple passions, but regardless, know that He has delicately directed every step that you are taking on this journey to best equip you for what is to come as He prepares the path ahead. Trust that His plan will be for your good and for His greatest glory. 

Four years later and my prayer remains much the same. 

“Lord, here I am. I don’t know anyone or anything here. Continue to show me what life with you is all about.”

Will you join me in this today? 

Lord, thank you for giving us far more than we could ever earn or deserve. Thank you for allowing us to carry your name and for entrusting us as servants marked by your love. Thank you for the desire that you have given us to pursue you, the passions that you place on our hearts and the joy that you share when we are given opportunities to walk in those desires. Help us to be sensitive to your guidance and to trust in your perfect timing in the path ahead. When the urge is strong to reach over and grab the steering wheel God, let us be reminded of your faithfulness and your sovereignty in all things. You, Lord, are a good, good Father. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

With love, 

Your sister in Christ