Am I Supposed To Go?

My time in St. Louis quickly came to a close with the end of my first assignment as a travel nurse. Since the first week of July, I have remained busy with road trips, quick visits with friends, quality time with family, unpacking and repacking, figuring out how to buy a car, actually buying a car, and another visit to what seems to be becoming my home away from home… or one of them at least. Before leaving Costa Rica in March, I purchased a one-way ticket back to the country that now holds a piece of my heart. At the time, I was running away with the image of spending more time there, investing a greater piece of myself, beyond that which is possible in a few weeks span. Things seemed to be falling in place for that opportunity and my excitement was growing. However, a few weeks after my return, the many doors that seemed to be opening, began to close one by one. 

Meanwhile, my co-leader Jeff and I were both feeling pulled to take another team to Costa in July. In March, we had been asking around to see if there was a need that we could possibly begin to fill in any of the surrounding villages. Multiple fingers pointed us to the home of Martha, specifically the many holes in her roof. In Costa Rica, they experience two seasons; wet season and dry season. The wet season accounts for almost eight months of the year, leaving four months with the label of “dry season”. Having spent a month there in the midst of the dry season, I am confident in sharing that it too, comes with its share of rain showers. Needless to say, having holes in your roof in Costa Rica doesn’t go unnoticed!

With that, Jeff and I had the privilege of visiting Martha’s home and introducing ourselves to she and her family before we headed back to the States. Martha is a sixty-year-old woman and a widow of roughly fifteen years. She lives in a house with two of her daughters and three adorable grandchildren, whom she helps provide care for. Martha gave us a tour of the home and with the help of our friend, Kimberly, elaborated on some of the issues that they were experiencing. There were many holes in her roof all throughout the home, just as we were told, each of which had a bucket placed beneath it on the floor to catch the rain water. Martha also explained that she had been out of power for almost three months at one time following a big storm. We took some photos around her home and again, with the help of Kimberly, we were able to explain the situation to Martha. We were careful to avoid any false hope in telling her that at the time we didn’t have a plan, the finances, or the people to fix her home, but that we would be diligent in praying about it and asked that she would do the same. A few weeks after our return to the States, Jeff and I spoke on the phone and both voiced that we were feeling called to go forward in putting a team together. We began looking at dates and putting feelers out to see if there was any interest from those around us. Before long, the pieces began to fall together, just as they did on the trip before.   

At first, when the doors began closing for my personal journey there, I was still going to push my way into staying, even if that meant prying a new door open or going without an open door at all. That “perfect” image that I once held, the image that I had put together in my head, continued to fade as that space filled with all of the new things that surrounded me in St. Louis. I began to question if this whole “Costa Rica thing” was really for me or if that one-way ticket was me getting ahead of myself and even more so, getting ahead of God and his plan for me. I began to think that maybe I had become more excited about the mission, than about the reason for the mission. My passion for nursing was quick to return and I was reminded of my comfort in that setting. The further I got from March, the more I questioned my return to Costa Rica; both personally and as a team leader.  BUT we were already starting to plan a trip. There were people committing to our team, and not only that; they were excited. As I waded back and forth in my uncertainty, Jeff kept calling and messaging me that we had another person show interest or commit or tell him how excited they were. With each report that I received from him, I wanted to be more excited, but I almost became more confused. I continued to pray for the trip and for the team, but I was also asking God if I was actually supposed to be a part of all of this. This snowball of feelings continued to accumulate as I realized this team was initially going to be made up of many people that I didn’t even know. Additionally, as time went on it seemed that everyone that I asked was unable to come for one reason or another, and all of the people that were coming were coming through Jeff’s invitation. Again, did God really need me here? 

One day, a dear friend of mine, Tori, messaged me and told me that she and her dad were going to try to come on the trip. Tori and her dad, Jim, were on my first Costa Rica trip with me last summer. Stick with me here and let me tell you a little bit about Tori. Unfortunately, our friendship only goes back to that first trip. Tori was a high school senior in my small group and as I mentioned in an earlier blog, this trip really opened my eyes to my newfound ability to be a leader in my faith. Something Tori said to me that week is a staple in my personal testimony to this very day. Early in the week I had asked the girls if they had someone to look up to in their faith other than their parents. Parents are obviously an important and impactful piece in a kid’s faith-walk, but I also think it’s important to have another resource; an extra source of wisdom. Some of the girls gave answers the night I asked the question; some yeses, some nos. The last night of that trip we were going around our little circle with some closing comments and providing some encouragement to each other going forward. When it was Tori’s turn, she looked at me and said, “Earlier this week you asked if we had a person. I just want you to know, you’re my person. I hope that’s okay.” It was just as hard to fight back my tears in that moment as it is sitting here today. Since then, Tori has completed her first year of college and has been so very diligent in keeping her focus on God even in the midst of the business and chaos that comes with that experience. I am also happy to say that we have been in close communication every step of the way. It has been such a pleasure to be a part of her journey, and I truly hope that God allows me to watch as she continues in the amazing adventure that he has planned for her. So, as I received the message that she was going to try to come on this trip, I knew God was telling me that I needed to be on that trip too. Looking back in this moment, I can’t help but smile in recognizing that I get to mention Tori twice (at least) in my testimony. Even more amazing, this is such an incredible image of how God uses the relationships in our lives according to his will. Tori may have labeled me as her person that night, but it’s pretty obvious that she’s my person too. 

Each time I began to wonder if I was supposed to go on this trip, I thought of Tori, and was quickly reminded that the answer was yes. I’d love to say that that yes was enough confirmation for me, but as I often do, I continued in the same prayer even though God had already provided the answer once. In the month leading up to the trip, I sent an email out to the team with a topic for prayer each day. I truly enjoy this aspect of watching a team form, especially when we are physically spread out, because we are able to be united in prayer. In the week following Tori’s message to me, as I continued to ask God if this is where I was supposed to be, I received three messages from members of our team in response to these emails. Each of them were sent individually and contained encouragement and appreciation for the daily emails, as well as kind words in the anticipation of getting to meet face-to-face so soon. Those bonds that can only come through a common love for our Lord, were already forming. Indeed, that was another yes from God. 

At this point I guess God figured that he might as well not stop with two yeses, which is quite humbling in now realizing He didn’t have to provide me with any! His answer to me was further solidified as the details began to fall together. In addition to the repairs that we were hoping to complete at Martha’s, the pieces were aligning for us to put together soccer camps as well. We had a soccer coach join our team, and with the connections I had made with the Costa Rican soccer team in March, we had begun talking about using soccer to connect with the kids and share the message of God’s love. By this time, I was certain that God was telling me that I needed to be on this trip. Just to make sure I was convinced, God brought it to my attention that our team was made of all men, besides Tori… I definitely couldn’t leave her hanging. I begin to flip my perspective and changed my prayers from being for the team to being for us; our team. 

Throughout the three months in St. Louis, I had been praying about my original plan to stay in Costa Rica for an extended period of time. I felt that, although the team came together and I would indeed be returning to the country, it was not the time for an extended stay for me. It was clear that God is still equipping me, preparing me, and even using me in multiple ways here and in the meantime, I get to do this amazing thing called travel nursing. It wasn’t easy to click the final “purchase” button, but I found peace in knowing that it was the right thing to do in that time. I purchased another one-way ticket, but this one’s destination was the slightly less sunny Ohio. 

Once my time in St. Louis came to a close, I drove to Ohio and took the next ten days to be diligent in preparing for the trip. I took some time to disconnect from the world, dive into scripture without distraction, and simply be with God while enjoying his beautiful creation. As the trip drew closer my excitement grew. I was so eager to meet my team face-to-face, some of them for the first time. I was so much looking forward to praying with them in person and to serving side by side under God’s guidance. I was excited to reconnect with Jeff and for the opportunity to lead together again. Even as I looked forward to all of these things and more, I have to admit, it was also in the back of my mind that this would be my last trip to Costa Rica for now. I would come back and jump back into the comfort of my career as a nurse. On July 16^th, I boarded the plane to Costa Rica with the original one-way ticket that I had purchased back in March. The adventure continues…